Yes Mess

Don't get me wrong - I hate mess.
It drives me crazy and makes me drop many other things to deal with it. It is a deep irony given my two children and my professional attraction to mess, being a psychologist and all....
Motherhood is, I just realised a synonym to mess. There is no motherhood without mess. Let me "free associate" here for a moment - Mess... diapers, vomit, toys scattered all over the floor, tiny bits of toilet paper in the bathroom,  egg yolk on the carpet, rice and bread crumbs on my feet, messy hair, "I am a mess", and the grandest of all: I messed up...

Show me a mother who is o.k with mess. Even the most relaxed ones amongst us fall for the last one (The "I messed up" bit... guilt - another synonym of motherhood..).
External mess meets internal mess. We walk as if enveloped in a big fluffy cloud, multi-tasking and list making, an overworked brain trying to manage the unmanageable: direct an overworked body into organising the mess. "Let it be" by the Beatles springs to mind (hey, I love free association- remember?), but that is too idealistic as a resolution to the inherent problem of Mother-Mess.
Why do I make a fuss over mess today? I'll tell you why. A patient of mine was talking about his mother today. About how he was never given the key to her "world" - the feeling that it's o.k to mess with her - play with her, trick her, be allowed to enter her private psychological territory and test it. Test her patience, her love, drive her crazy, angry, passionate, see how she rebounds, how she blindly searches for a way out of a mutual mess of feelings, of intermingling with each other, being one and separating, being one again.
So mess is important. It drives us up the wall, teaches us to cope with the most intense feelings of boundaries being broken and re-established, of where we begin and where we end, of what we can allow without gulping down LSD or antidepressants.
Mess is a means of communication. The child naturally believes that he/she can do as he/she pleases. Where do we draw the line? It is an art. To teach reality yet not shut them out. To teach them respect for the other (yes, you!) without abandoning them, and to let them know that they can make you mad without fearing the loss of your love (just the loss of their favourite tv show for today maybe?).
Mess is a big challenge for a mother. It teaches you resilience, a painful awareness of your limitations or even intense concentration (hey, I can write this while listening to LEGO sounds on the PS4)...
But mostly, it teaches you the hard lesson that now you are not on your own anymore. You have one (or more) little creatures who want in. They want a piece of this magical mummy place that is your most guarded and precious possession - your Self.
So mess? Yes please! (do I have a choice?)

A Mother's Gaze

This is the day when I see most of my clients. What struck me today was a recurring theme: their mother's psychological gaze. It is said in our psychology circles that the mother's gaze (real and psychological - i.e how she experiences her child) is a crucial key to a child's personality organization and sense of self. One of the reasons I started the Deconstructing Mummy groups is prevention. Time and again I met my adult clients' "mother ghosts" "parading" in the consulting room. Descriptions of mothers who somehow failed their children.
 I asked myself: what if?
What if those mothers had help as they carried these children in their bellies?
As they soothed them, nursed them, watched them change and develop?
Today all I could hear in the sessions were children begging to be seen, loved, admired, encouraged to individuate.
"See who I am - not who you would like me to be"
"Listen to me and don't get lost in your hurt self-centeredness"
"Allow me to be my own  person, not a part of you"
"Touch me, caress me, smile at me"
"Try and contain your sorrow, anxiety, fear, your well-being is my sense of security"
"Stop fussing over money, your work, your image and really be here with me"
"Don't use me to feel worthy of your life or yourself"
That is what I  heard from my clients, once vulnerable children, now vulnerable and hurt adults .
And that is what I want you to consider.
As mothers we have a bond with our children. Is it unbreakable? A given? Natural and taking care of itself?
NO. A big fat NO.
It is hard work and it puts us to the test. We are asked to put our whole selves on the line. Be all, be the infant's universe. How can a mother not fail?
The truth is that she will fail.
She will fail to be the perfect, fantasied mother, both in her own fantasy and in her child's. She will never be able to satisfy every wish, desire, dream that her child might have.
She will frustrate.
But she can also love, and give, and be. The freer she is of her own childhood ghosts, the better she will cope with this new, budding relationship that is full of fresh potential.
She will then be able to hug, and be, and prioritize differently, and differentiate her self from her child, and keep her own fantasies in check, providing, listening, nurturing her real child by being her authentic self, for "better or for worse".
Motherhood involves stepping out of our own little worlds and taking a leap into the unkown, relating intensely to an unformed yet but very present, other individual. Yes, "motherhood is not for sissies" as I read in a funny postcard. Nor is it for the self-centred who stingily give. There is no perfection involved in the job description. So who is it for then?
Hey, actually I do have an answer. It is for everyone.
Everyone that cares to take a good honest look at themselves.

Breastfeeding shielding child from Depression?

I recently read this article/study, with the title: "Breastfeeding in infancy may shield adults from Depression". The title caught me and I found it very interesting. I am openly pro breastfeeding but also very sceptical about how breastfeeding is promoted or used.
As I've mentioned in another post, breastfeeding is a very hot topic in mothers' discussions, provoking extreme reactions. I have also said that breastfeeding is not only the natural act per se but can and usually is very symbolic about female sexuality, fecundity, power, ability to be. Mothers attach knowingly or unknowingly intense emotions to breastfeeding. Some feel like failures if they can't establish "it", others feel less womanly, others feel that breastfeeding is the main median to prove their worth, yet others relive through breastfeeding a union that they themselves missed as children. Of course there are always the mothers who breastfeed simply, just as nature intended, and mothers who for their reasons opt out of breastfeeding (and believe me there are many reasons and sometimes heartbreaking ones).
Now to get a study which basically says to mothers "breastfeed so you shield your child from depression" is a huge blow to all mothers... Why? Do mothers need more guilt? Do most mothers know how to read a study of this sort? Look at how many "subjects" were used in the study, the methodology, the interpretation of the results?
How can a study of this sort establish what the breastfeeding mother is thinking/feeling/doing when she is breastfeeding her child? How many mothers having themselves psychological difficulties breastfeed and at the same time feel numb (in that case what kind of "psychological milk" is the child getting)? And how many mothers don't breastfeed but give the bottle with warmth and care?
Yes, the research idea is interesting. No, the claim it makes in the title can't be established by this specific study. And to cut a long story short, it is not the breastfeeding that makes for a smooth, secure bond between a mother and her child. It is her concern, her warmth, her keeping the child in her mind and in her heart at all times. And that kind of mothering, with all its faults and imperfections is the kind that brings up adults "shielded" by depression.

New Mothers. Humans not saints

 Humans. Not Saints. I chose this title because I wanted to give you the gist of this post straight away.

Good enough mothers, not perfect. The number one associate of a new mother’s anxiety is guilt. Am I doing it the right way? Do I give enough? Am I present? Am I spoiling it? Am I? Am I?... Usually the inner guilt is accompanied with the well known outer guilt (your mum, mother-in-law, friend, husband, tv shows and parenting magazines, sometimes the lady on the bus).

The pressure can at times be extreme, the responsibility of a bringing up a child, the house that needs tending to, work, finances, the partner, bills, messy hair, clothes that don’t fit, and the ever elusive personal time or space... I really don’t think I should make this list longer to make one realise that a new mother is like a new driver asked to drive on the highway on the very first lesson.

Things come in pairs and the life as a new mother has its fair share of tension. Tension usually “pairs off” with aggression. And aggression is taboo where motherhood is concerned. A mother should be good, nurturing, sweet and patient. Well, the news is that a new mother feels aggression towards her newborn when she can’t take the crying anymore due to exhaustion, towards her partner who is “baptised” with intricate swear names either internally or externally, towards her own self (well known and ever present guilt), and towards the whole universe if no one else is there to take the blame. 

And yes, she does have the right to feel this way. 

Truth to be told, she doesn’t really help herself feel better if this aggression remains without being understood. But we do need to acknowledge that it is normal for a new mother to feel this way. This is also the first step to do something about it and to free herself from the imprisoning image of sainthood that can only create suffocating relationships with a destructive content.

Now you may ask me, where is all this aggression coming from? Although there are usual suspects ( the relationship with her mother, the way a woman relates to her identity, sexuality, personality), in the end each mother has her own unique story-labyrinth that triggers emotional pain and hence aggression.

She also has her own beliefs, fantasies, desires hidden or overt as to how she wants to bring up her child. Some want to breastfeed briefly or for a long period, some not at all. Some want to provide material goods for their offspring, some, freedom and some their continuous presence at home. Each mother has her own way to give and to exist for her child and this should be respected. Respected in its entirety.

There is however one small but significant detail: children or rather newborns need very specific things in the first year of their life. The first year of life is a vital year, where the mother lays the basic foundations of relating. In other words, the mother is the first person who teaches us relationships and help us or not to achieve our most basic sense of security and the core of our self. Let me stress that it is not solely the mother who does this but the mother-in-relation-to-her-baby, meaning that relating is a two-way process.  So although there are very different pairs of mothers and babies relating, there are a few things that all people involved in the mothering dance share. And these simply (or not so simply) are to listen to your baby’s needs and satisfy them in your best possible and swift way, to be there constistently with your mind, your heart and your instinct as well as your physical presence (as much as is feasibly possible),to put your babies needs first above your own when the two clash, and to always ask yourself, “who am I doing this for?” without hurrying to give an answer and when you do answer be open, honest and brave, even if the answer hurts your feelings or self-image.

Motherhood is not what we call a “no-brainer”. Our children don’t need a dutiful slave or a self-absorbed mother who can’t get over herself and uses her child as a trophy or as her extension. Most importantly, they don’t need a mother who has just stepped out of a tv commercial and has no crinkles on her skirt or her heart. What they do need is a mother with her own personality, daring to make mistakes and being humble enough to learn from them. A mother who has her own unique love to give and who walks her own path to motherhood. So If I had one and only advice to give to new mothers that would be: be truthful to yourselves and listen to your babies, their bodies, their sounds, their eyes, their embrace, their anger or discomfort. Be “good enough” (D.W. Winnicott), and leave perfection for those who don’t get reality. Most importantly, enjoy as much as you can this experience that you have chosen consciously or unconsciously.....