A Mother's Gaze

This is the day when I see most of my clients. What struck me today was a recurring theme: their mother's psychological gaze. It is said in our psychology circles that the mother's gaze (real and psychological - i.e how she experiences her child) is a crucial key to a child's personality organization and sense of self. One of the reasons I started the Deconstructing Mummy groups is prevention. Time and again I met my adult clients' "mother ghosts" "parading" in the consulting room. Descriptions of mothers who somehow failed their children.
 I asked myself: what if?
What if those mothers had help as they carried these children in their bellies?
As they soothed them, nursed them, watched them change and develop?
Today all I could hear in the sessions were children begging to be seen, loved, admired, encouraged to individuate.
"See who I am - not who you would like me to be"
"Listen to me and don't get lost in your hurt self-centeredness"
"Allow me to be my own  person, not a part of you"
"Touch me, caress me, smile at me"
"Try and contain your sorrow, anxiety, fear, your well-being is my sense of security"
"Stop fussing over money, your work, your image and really be here with me"
"Don't use me to feel worthy of your life or yourself"
That is what I  heard from my clients, once vulnerable children, now vulnerable and hurt adults .
And that is what I want you to consider.
As mothers we have a bond with our children. Is it unbreakable? A given? Natural and taking care of itself?
NO. A big fat NO.
It is hard work and it puts us to the test. We are asked to put our whole selves on the line. Be all, be the infant's universe. How can a mother not fail?
The truth is that she will fail.
She will fail to be the perfect, fantasied mother, both in her own fantasy and in her child's. She will never be able to satisfy every wish, desire, dream that her child might have.
She will frustrate.
But she can also love, and give, and be. The freer she is of her own childhood ghosts, the better she will cope with this new, budding relationship that is full of fresh potential.
She will then be able to hug, and be, and prioritize differently, and differentiate her self from her child, and keep her own fantasies in check, providing, listening, nurturing her real child by being her authentic self, for "better or for worse".
Motherhood involves stepping out of our own little worlds and taking a leap into the unkown, relating intensely to an unformed yet but very present, other individual. Yes, "motherhood is not for sissies" as I read in a funny postcard. Nor is it for the self-centred who stingily give. There is no perfection involved in the job description. So who is it for then?
Hey, actually I do have an answer. It is for everyone.
Everyone that cares to take a good honest look at themselves.

You + Me

You can see the world through the eyes of your child. Or you can see the world "selfishly" only through your eyes. Better see the worlds alternating, I say.
The relationship with our children is a deeply passionate one. And passion is by nature extreme. In a healthy mother-child relationship, love is rather a given. There, present all the time. But love is not the only feeling in this relationship. Don't kid yourself new, experienced or about-to-be mother. Love is the glue, and is needed badly in order to deal with the rest.
I believe motherhood is an experience that stretches the boundaries of who we are. So much so that at times we end up not really knowing who we are, or doubting who we were, puzzled as to who we are becoming. There are days when all a mother wants is to be left alone. Not to deal with demands, crying, diaper change, tantrums, "showing the world", entertaining, being patient, caring and thinking about another. There are many fantasies mothers devise in order to bear their children sometimes. Throwing them off the balcony, packing their suitcase and leaving everything behind, pinning them magically to the sofa or shutting their mouths with tape. And these are "mild ones", more "acceptable" lets say. The truth is that no matter how violent or crazy, or even funny these fantasies are, they provide relief. Relief from agonising everyday, changing from one viewpoint to another minute by minute. I see the world through my eyes, otherwise I will go crazy. I see the world through yours, otherwise you will go crazy. That sums up pretty well the loving battle between you and me. CHILD and mother. MOTHER and child. Two worlds in synch that can range from a feeling of belonging, an absolute unity to a feeling of camaraderie and sharing. Sometimes two worlds colliding where one ego has to win. You AND me becomes then you OR me. What is a mother to do then?
We all know that respect is vital in every kind of relationship. But along with respect, comes individuality, concern for the other, but also concern for the self. It is advised that the mother backs off. Not only because of the role, but because she has a more developed (mature) ego than the child. However there are times when the mother's self feels at peril and then if her own ego is not saved even momentarily, believe me there will be no egos at all around. That is why Winnicott talked about the "good enough" and not the "perfect mother".
We all have bad days. Mother and children. And we should allow ourselves and our children these days. Not doing so is just not being grounded in reality. And if we sometimes need to put ourselves first in order to survive the more immature parts of our personalities and return back to normal, apologising and making reparations, so be it. It is infinitely healthier than striving for perfection or resorting to bottled up anger and acting out later in the most hateful and vindictive ways, psychical absence towards the child being one of them. Just make sure this isn't your daily bread and butter. If it is, then seek help - you are only human.
It comes with the job that we are on "top of it", and being on top of it sometimes means being honest as to what our limits are. Where the ME stops the You begins. But for these two, to dance together whether tango, raving, Zorba-style or hip-hop, there has to be a You and there has to be a Me.