Motherhood as it is "not supposed to be"

 I am currently on holiday, taking a break from thinking. There are times though that thinking just hits you in the face. Reading this article on single motherhood had the "get writing" effect this morning. Single motherhood is a big issue and is a reality of many mothers. Some are single mothers by choice, others by circumstances. Condemning single mothers as a "threat" to the mental health of their infants by studies (no frills-bottom line) is just plain laziness if not stupidity on society's part. Understanding cause and effect is another story. I won't take a specific stance on the issue here, as I am still thinking about the issue of single motherhood and have not reached a conclusion. It is very likely that I won't. Each case, each family is different. I do not agree on everything the above mentioned article supports. But I have to say that the writer very eloquently makes 2-3 very strong points that I can't help but mention.

Deconstructing Mummy was created precisely to alleviate the burden of the "myths" around motherhood and promote a more realistic hence richer view of what mothers are and what they experience. So when in the article I come across the sentence "If there is anything that currently oppresses the children, it is the idea of the way families are “supposed to be" I feel a kindred connection. 

Labels can hurt. Yes, I am all for "diagnosing", "categorizing", "quantifying". These are my studies, this is science. However, they can be used only as a base to start the journey of truly understanding and asking the questions.  Things don't happen according to plan. We don't feel, act, think as we "are supposed to". Anxiety, complexity, inventiveness, trial-and-error are our true daily "bread-and-butter" as mothers, families, human beings.

In the end as the article supports, "a well loved child is a well loved child". I would also add that an authentic mother who cares about herself and her child, actively trying to love and provide, whatever her personal circumstances or choices is what society needs.  Research is great, debating is essential. Understanding and supporting mothers in their own mothering way  is VITAL.

Wombs for Rent

The title is not mine, but thought it was brilliant. Apparently there is a growing industry in India of paid surrogate mothers and "baby factories" (again not my words). You can find the article here . The surrogate mother issue, along with IVF, frozen ovaries etc is a huge and complex one psychologically, ethically and legally and not one I will delve into in this short post I am attempting to write. What I found interesting in this article was not that the "customers" were gay couples - one can understand the reasons here (though I do have my opinion on this). The most interesting part was that surrogacy was preferred by some women in order to retain their figure and not go through pregnancy/childbirth. I have a deep respect for a woman's right to have or not to have children. But really? "Hiring" a womb so you don't get the extra pounds or the morning sickness? That is a recipe for motherhood disaster based on an extremely immature personality structure that can do more harm than good to the self and most importantly to the child.
What is disturbing me though in this article is the unregulated nature of these "rentals". No laws, no precautions, no suitability of the parties involved, no nothing. O.K the most cynical between us may argue that at least some money is flowing towards India from the west. But my concern here is... who are the mothers for rent? What happens to them afterwards? No one can guarantee that these women are not forced to have their bodies used this way. Are they "women" even? Or girls just getting their period? And what happens to the babies? Do they actually go to "loving western families" or are "used" for other purposes?
Forgive me for being "paranoid" but the google alerts I get everyday on motherhood show me a world where motherhood, women's bodies, babies and the trajectory that links all those together is not that "natural" any more. There is an increased perversion on how all these issues are approached and ,that, as a mother, a woman and a human being, worries me and disturbs me.

What, no app for motherhood?

Motherhood apparently has no app yet. According to this article, mothers should stop the whining and... "woman it up". Mothers of the newer generation are portrayed as spoilt children who want an app for everything, motherhood included. I think this article really describes the essence of "deconstructing mummy" by refuting it. And although proof by induction is a fine mathematical concept, it is not very funny to still see the prevalence of the mother-image as "unsung hero" (-heroine if you allow me). Mind you, that is also the type of mother the media likes. The new "olympics" ad for pampers, is admittedly really touching, but hey, mother is again the unsung heroine that gets an "olympic" thank you at the end. Well, if your son or daughter is part of the olympics, then be proud, but should you be defined as a mother, is it a success, a huge bonus for your "job"?

  When I started "deconstructing mummy", I wanted to tell mothers that they matter. That they can whine, complain, ache, share, and "sing" themselves all that motherhood is for THEM. Culture and even our own internal representations of motherhood, treat mothers as a medium and not an end in themselves. Advice is given on "how to" do motherhood but very few ask "who is" doing motherhood.

Motherhood is not a job. I really don't care how a mother is defined. Is she stay-at-home, working, single, black, white, all I hear is blah, blah, blah. A mother is a mother and although we are biologically programmed to long for and expect mothering, a mother is not really a given. That is something that becomes consistently apparent in my practice as a psychotherapist, where mothers of all shapes and forms, ages and generations parade in my ears. Most mothers are far from being a "given" hence the survival of psychotherapists... Should a mother be a given? Yes, to her child, but not to anyone else. What I mean here is that providing good mothering needs help. No mother who respects herself as a person and as a mother expects a "pat on the back" or payment for services rendered. But she does expect to be treated as an entity. By the same token, no mother should be encouraged by society to live her life through her "olympian child". And I do believe that no mother would complain to be a "chauffeur", "entertainer", "cook" etc. if she also had her own space, time and way to just be herself without thinking of everybody else or worrying about what to do next. Some mothers forget about their children when working and really welcome the break, some pour themselves a gin and tonic before giving their loved ones their daily bath( if I am relaxed, they're relaxed- a friend once said) and some just ponder about motherhood by blogging late at night. I am privileged to closely experience a lot of mother stories through my work. In their meandering labyrinth of differences they all share one striking similarity. No mother wants to be a hero(ine), or acknowledged as one. They just want to be a person as well as a mother and combine the two in one singular normal self with needs, weaknesses, wants and sometimes well, "olympic" successes.