The look of love

photo by : ad-passion

I find myself talking a lot about love lately. Maybe because I feel we could all use more of it.
A touch, a hug, caresses, tactile love. Verbal love, "how was your day?", " you are my little kiddo", "would you like some juice?". Caring love, warming their towels while they are having a bath, or getting a little something especially for them from the supermarket. Fun love, a story, laughing at their jokes and playing around with a blanket. There are million ways to love your child but they can all be summarised, concentrated like dense molecules packed tightly together in a single.... glance. Or a prolonged longing stare.
Love bordering on passion. Love as admiration of this special little human being that came from your body but is not yours. "You are mine", "you are my child" I often say, allowing myself to feel this intense almost symbiotic closeness one can only feel with one's child or one's mother. The sweet smell, a body connection that has to lose momentum everyday transforming the relationship to that of two different yet still connected human beings.

As mothers we can never forget the closeness we have felt with our babies. They can and they do. In reality forgetting is not remembering, as the mother's gaze, our gaze, our touch is permanently stored, imprinted if you like, on our baby's body and most importantly on our baby's mind, his or her internal world.
The relationship with our children will change many times: we can be mean, even abusive sometimes, misunderstand them, frustrate them, fail them, be absent when they might need us and impose on them our deepest darkest anxieties and wishes. Even if we try and keep all the above in check, making as fewer mistakes as we can, the relationship will still change. We grow as they grow. We change and they change, and that is life. The way we see ourselves, the way we see them, the way we approach, connect, console or encourage them is a continuous ebb and flow.

What will never change is this original look of love from us to them. The look that says : welcome, i love you, i am your mother, you are special to me, you are accepted as a new part of my world, i have space for you,  i want to connect with you in love, i care, you are important and most importantly you are unique - another, not me. The look of love, of admiration at the wonder of giving life, actual and emotional to another human being.
Let's always remember this look of love and pass it down. In this way, they will have been seen and they will in turn be able to "see" and love. It is Mother's day today and the best gift we can get is the ability to give this look, this gaze of love. Enjoy your day.

The Ultimate Breaking point

Here I am browsing on facebook at a rare moment of quiet time.I come across this image.

I stop and stare looking at the little foot that so resembles my son's.
I read "a father gives his last embrace to his son in Syria - do not press like, just share so the world sees what happens in Syria". I look at the father, I look at the image. I am thinking whether I should share or not. I don't share just for the sake of it. Especially when an image is so harsh, so painful so inhuman. This to me represents the ultimate breaking point as a parent. More than that, it represents the ultimate breaking point in humanity.
I wake up, and do my work which I love. I am safe and despite the life stresses each of us goes through, my life is good. I do feel mildly guilty for this although I shouldn't.
But the moment images like this or stories about immigrants drowning in the open sea, our fellow humans in desperation, then, anger, disgust and a deep seated pain violently enters my heart and my home. My safe, sound right to a home.
I come from a family that was thrown out from their home in Asia Minor. I never experienced this, it was the life story of my paternal grandparents. Traumas like this are passed down, and cruelty, unfairness, every repugnant loss turns me into a force to be reckoned with. Not this time. Not with this image - this just turned me into a powerless collapsing heap of tears. I cry as a mother and as a citizen of this world.
We have landed in the moon, "tamed" nature and advanced in technology.
One thing we have not learned yet: Respect and love for the other.
I have shared this as a personal reaction. But this is not about me. This is about all of us, our children and their children. It is about conceiving the inconceivable and doing something about it - teaching love and not losing hope. At times like this, all one can do is not lose hope.

GLOBAL HUMANITY

These days I am very much "world charmed", taking a course on global trends, and thinking about locality and globalisation. Why, you might ask, do I talk about globalisation in an essentially "mummy blog"?
One of "Deconstructing Mummy"'s central mantra is that a mother is more than just a mother. She is a person, above and beyond her motherly role. Still motherhood is a very potent lense to view the world.
Today I attended my 5 year old son's assembly. The theme was based on the song "Hello to all the children of the World". It was about diversity, inclusion, globality, respect and teamwork. 

There they were, little beautiful sprouts from all around the world, sitting next to each other, getting up one by one, declaring their "special country": Greece, Australia, India, Ghana, Liberia, Japan, Bangladesh, Bolivia,Colombia, Turkey, England. 
They sang holding hands, looking at each other as classmates and not as beings defined by their country of origin, status, class, colour. 
They were all equally eager to catch a glimpse of their parents, to show off with pride how well they sang the song. They sang also in sign language, using their little hands to express unknowingly a much deeper truth: that of relating no matter what.
I was sitting there in awe of this lesson in life, thinking not only what a great job this school does, but also how important it is to be taught how to relate to others humbly, respectfully and equally.
How well this lesson will be taken on board, depends in the end on us. The mothers and fathers at home. Our attitudes, fears and stereotypes. Are we going to support what the school teaches, or fill these young souls with fear of the"other"? 
I come from Greece. A country that is currently having a very hard time financially, but most importantly societally, and very soon I believe politically. Without wanting to go into too much detail here, I will say that though in Greece the far right atrocity-committing party of Golden Dawn did not match France or Uk results in the European Elections, it is alive and kicking. For me even the 3 MEPs is a dark warning sign. 
In Psychoanalysis, we say that when the EGO(our core being in lay terms) is strong, it is well protected from threat and can relate freely with others. It does not need to resort to paranoid modes of being where other people/situations are perceived as dangerous, persecutory and harmful. The flip side of the coin is when the Ego is chaotic, with no boundaries to preserve our individuality. The Ego goes into these modes when it feels weak, unable to put right boundaries, full of doubt about our abilities, our standing in the world, our self worth. 
Seeing these children today, offers a visual example to exactly that: they were all together, sharing naturally an experience of togetherness without losing their individuality (their "Special countries"). 
It is up to us, as mothers (and fathers) to bring them up, allowing for the preservation of their individuality, while teaching them the rules of life. Will we teach them to fear? to hide behind their "unique" class, colour, culture, gender? Or will we teach them ways to relate and bring in this magical mix with others, their own strong, loving shelves? Will we teach them to reach out, or to stay put? Will we teach them the essence of humanity, or as the song says: 
Though some things might be different, 
we’re children just the same....

If we could meet each other, to run and sing and play,

Then what good friends we all could be...........

Yes Mess

Don't get me wrong - I hate mess.
It drives me crazy and makes me drop many other things to deal with it. It is a deep irony given my two children and my professional attraction to mess, being a psychologist and all....
Motherhood is, I just realised a synonym to mess. There is no motherhood without mess. Let me "free associate" here for a moment - Mess... diapers, vomit, toys scattered all over the floor, tiny bits of toilet paper in the bathroom,  egg yolk on the carpet, rice and bread crumbs on my feet, messy hair, "I am a mess", and the grandest of all: I messed up...

Show me a mother who is o.k with mess. Even the most relaxed ones amongst us fall for the last one (The "I messed up" bit... guilt - another synonym of motherhood..).
External mess meets internal mess. We walk as if enveloped in a big fluffy cloud, multi-tasking and list making, an overworked brain trying to manage the unmanageable: direct an overworked body into organising the mess. "Let it be" by the Beatles springs to mind (hey, I love free association- remember?), but that is too idealistic as a resolution to the inherent problem of Mother-Mess.
Why do I make a fuss over mess today? I'll tell you why. A patient of mine was talking about his mother today. About how he was never given the key to her "world" - the feeling that it's o.k to mess with her - play with her, trick her, be allowed to enter her private psychological territory and test it. Test her patience, her love, drive her crazy, angry, passionate, see how she rebounds, how she blindly searches for a way out of a mutual mess of feelings, of intermingling with each other, being one and separating, being one again.
So mess is important. It drives us up the wall, teaches us to cope with the most intense feelings of boundaries being broken and re-established, of where we begin and where we end, of what we can allow without gulping down LSD or antidepressants.
Mess is a means of communication. The child naturally believes that he/she can do as he/she pleases. Where do we draw the line? It is an art. To teach reality yet not shut them out. To teach them respect for the other (yes, you!) without abandoning them, and to let them know that they can make you mad without fearing the loss of your love (just the loss of their favourite tv show for today maybe?).
Mess is a big challenge for a mother. It teaches you resilience, a painful awareness of your limitations or even intense concentration (hey, I can write this while listening to LEGO sounds on the PS4)...
But mostly, it teaches you the hard lesson that now you are not on your own anymore. You have one (or more) little creatures who want in. They want a piece of this magical mummy place that is your most guarded and precious possession - your Self.
So mess? Yes please! (do I have a choice?)

Forgetting to dream

"I dream of mummies and butterflies, and cakes and beaches and ice-creams and daddies. Close your eyes - nooo peeking" ( I close my eyes- he kisses me on the cheek). "I love you sooo very much".....
This was my "payment" for being there in his bed, reading to him while hugging him. He shared his dreams. All the things he likes. He dares to dream. He is almost 5.
My dreams are lists of chores and pin numbers, and schedules, career development ideas, losing my recent pregnancy weight. Questions of "middle" age, how the hell did I get there so fast?
I am shattered from working and breastfeeding and being a mum and wanting to be all that and more. Study more, travel more, write more, walk more.
And then I stop comparing his world and mine and I look at him marvelling in the moment. Taking in this amazing and delicious moment in time where I allow myself to be his honoured guest in this innocent and light hearted world where mummies and daddies and ice creams and butterflies live in abundance. I want to stay there and forget my lists, de-construct myself and let go of all the musts and shoulds and oughts that mums carry with them in order to run their place.

We forget ourselves and we forget to dream. We worry and plan and try to control the universe that surrounds them, that surrounds us.
The other day, he "showed" me an ad where a mum was dancing while serving ( i think it was some kind of sweet spread) her children and they were laughing - ""Mum look" he said and pointed out the dancing mum.
What a blow! I had been but the dancing mum lately with a newborn in my arms. And although I am too old and yes, too wise to fall for the trap of the happy, perfect dancing mum of the ad, I listened to what he was actually telling me by pointing this out - "you are not fun like she is, I want you to be fun, I need you to be fun".
Yes he is only 5, and he doesn't get my struggle, but doesn't he deserve a fun mum every once in a while? Don't we deserve to be this mum (actually be, not pretend to be) and drop everything that we "ought to" in order to dance and dream?
So my advice in this quick and short post (because this is my "dance" for the day) is that next time you are about to explode from taking on too much responsibility, step back and remember that these unique children we are bringing up, are sometimes like wise old men/women, just showing us the way....

Are you a Deconstructed Mummy?

Come find out!

What are the Deconstructing Mummy groups?
What does it mean to be a "deconstructed mummy"?
What do we talk about in the groups and how will this help you mother?
What is the relationship of the "emerging mother self" to your changing body, the "imagined child" and the intergenerational passing down of mothering ways?

Looks like a presentation of the groups is in order.

After talking to expectant and new mums, I decided to organise a presentation of the Deconstructing Mummy groups with free entry, on Monday the 13/5/13 , 11:00 am at "That place on the Corner" , N16 (follow link for address).

An attendance email at deconstructingmummy@gmail.com would be appreciated, but last minute walk-ins are very welcome too.
Come have a cup of coffee, bring a friend and find out if you are on your way of being a "deconstructed mummy!"

P.s The coffee shop is extremely child friendly!

New Mummy Groups starting!

To all deconstructed mums who are interested:

The new Deconstructing Mummy groups are starting on
Tuesday 26/2/13 at 7.30-9.00pm @ the "That Place on the Corner Cafe" and every Tuesday  for 8 weeks
Friday 1/3/13 at 10.00-11.30 am @ Hornsey Vale Community Centre and every Friday for 8 weeks.
Places are limited to 8 people so early booking is advised!
Kindly note that mothers need to arrange babysitting as the group encourages thinking on oneself and time away from the baby.

Email deconstructingmummy@gmail.com  for enquiries or to book your place.

Expectant Mothers help science!

TO EXPECTANT MOTHERS

Hello, my name is Anastasia Apostolou and I have recently started a psychotherapy training; in that context learning about early child development is of great significance. There is a richness in the first interactions between a mother and her new baby which can be a source of profound knowledge. 

Are you due to give birth until Chrismas? If you are, please get in contact with me through emailing Marianna (aka Deconstructing Mummy) at deconstructingmummy@gmail.com!!! I am looking for a future mother who can help me learn about the beginning of the infant’s life in his/her ordinary family environment. I hope that the family will also gain something from this experience and would be very happy if you agreed to take part.

Thank you!

Anastasia

Deconstructing Mummy Mondays!

It is official!
Where? @ Rokesly Children's Centre Crouch End
When?  The first Monday of every month 4-5pm
What? Deconstructing Mummy will be there to discuss all psychological issues we face as expectant and new mothers during the first years of motherhood

Entrance is FREE
Drop ins welcome.
Ring to confirm on the day.

The person that became a mother

I read an article today about mothers making "mummy friends". It is a subject that often comes up in conversations between mothers whether new or experienced.
However the reason I am mentioning this article is not for its specific subject matter but for one single sentence that struck me, and that is : " with an understanding of the person that became a mother".
Now this is a subject that permeates the whole "deconstructing mummy" concept, is the backbone of the mother group meetings and of my philosophy as a psychologist.
Who is this person (that became a mother)? What is her history? How does she feel and what does she think? How has she changed or is currently changing? What will always be the same for her no matter what?
Is she her own person? What does she want out of her life? What does she expect, wish for, secretly yearn for? What scares her, intimidates her, makes her doubt?
Hey my list can go on forever.
The point is, if we get these answers for ourselves (you know, the self that has now become a mother) then we are on our way of being better mothers and more truthful persons. We need our "self centre" to function properly. Let's not forget who we are, because who we are will guide us in "how" we do mothering (amongst other things.)

New Mums' group starting!

To all deconstructed mums who are interested:

New group is starting on the 23/10 in North Finchley, every Tuesday at 7.15pm-9pm for 8 weeks.
Places are limited to 8 people so early booking is advised!

Email deconstructingmummy@gmail.com  for enquiries or to book your place.

Put your Oxygen masks first.... Again

The free talk "Put your Oxygen Masks on first!" for new and expectant mothers is repeated.
Two new venues, times and dates with more to come. The talk will concentrate on the feelings and difficulties mothers face psychologically during the first years of their child's life. Bring along your mother- friends, questions and experiences.

Monday 8/10, 3pm @ Rokesly Children's Centre, Elmfield Avenue N8 8QG

Friday 12/10, 1.30pm @ Coppetts Wood Children's Centre, Coppetts Road, N10 1JS

email deconstructingmummy@gmail.com if you have any questions.

A Mother's Gaze

This is the day when I see most of my clients. What struck me today was a recurring theme: their mother's psychological gaze. It is said in our psychology circles that the mother's gaze (real and psychological - i.e how she experiences her child) is a crucial key to a child's personality organization and sense of self. One of the reasons I started the Deconstructing Mummy groups is prevention. Time and again I met my adult clients' "mother ghosts" "parading" in the consulting room. Descriptions of mothers who somehow failed their children.
 I asked myself: what if?
What if those mothers had help as they carried these children in their bellies?
As they soothed them, nursed them, watched them change and develop?
Today all I could hear in the sessions were children begging to be seen, loved, admired, encouraged to individuate.
"See who I am - not who you would like me to be"
"Listen to me and don't get lost in your hurt self-centeredness"
"Allow me to be my own  person, not a part of you"
"Touch me, caress me, smile at me"
"Try and contain your sorrow, anxiety, fear, your well-being is my sense of security"
"Stop fussing over money, your work, your image and really be here with me"
"Don't use me to feel worthy of your life or yourself"
That is what I  heard from my clients, once vulnerable children, now vulnerable and hurt adults .
And that is what I want you to consider.
As mothers we have a bond with our children. Is it unbreakable? A given? Natural and taking care of itself?
NO. A big fat NO.
It is hard work and it puts us to the test. We are asked to put our whole selves on the line. Be all, be the infant's universe. How can a mother not fail?
The truth is that she will fail.
She will fail to be the perfect, fantasied mother, both in her own fantasy and in her child's. She will never be able to satisfy every wish, desire, dream that her child might have.
She will frustrate.
But she can also love, and give, and be. The freer she is of her own childhood ghosts, the better she will cope with this new, budding relationship that is full of fresh potential.
She will then be able to hug, and be, and prioritize differently, and differentiate her self from her child, and keep her own fantasies in check, providing, listening, nurturing her real child by being her authentic self, for "better or for worse".
Motherhood involves stepping out of our own little worlds and taking a leap into the unkown, relating intensely to an unformed yet but very present, other individual. Yes, "motherhood is not for sissies" as I read in a funny postcard. Nor is it for the self-centred who stingily give. There is no perfection involved in the job description. So who is it for then?
Hey, actually I do have an answer. It is for everyone.
Everyone that cares to take a good honest look at themselves.

Breastfeeding shielding child from Depression?

I recently read this article/study, with the title: "Breastfeeding in infancy may shield adults from Depression". The title caught me and I found it very interesting. I am openly pro breastfeeding but also very sceptical about how breastfeeding is promoted or used.
As I've mentioned in another post, breastfeeding is a very hot topic in mothers' discussions, provoking extreme reactions. I have also said that breastfeeding is not only the natural act per se but can and usually is very symbolic about female sexuality, fecundity, power, ability to be. Mothers attach knowingly or unknowingly intense emotions to breastfeeding. Some feel like failures if they can't establish "it", others feel less womanly, others feel that breastfeeding is the main median to prove their worth, yet others relive through breastfeeding a union that they themselves missed as children. Of course there are always the mothers who breastfeed simply, just as nature intended, and mothers who for their reasons opt out of breastfeeding (and believe me there are many reasons and sometimes heartbreaking ones).
Now to get a study which basically says to mothers "breastfeed so you shield your child from depression" is a huge blow to all mothers... Why? Do mothers need more guilt? Do most mothers know how to read a study of this sort? Look at how many "subjects" were used in the study, the methodology, the interpretation of the results?
How can a study of this sort establish what the breastfeeding mother is thinking/feeling/doing when she is breastfeeding her child? How many mothers having themselves psychological difficulties breastfeed and at the same time feel numb (in that case what kind of "psychological milk" is the child getting)? And how many mothers don't breastfeed but give the bottle with warmth and care?
Yes, the research idea is interesting. No, the claim it makes in the title can't be established by this specific study. And to cut a long story short, it is not the breastfeeding that makes for a smooth, secure bond between a mother and her child. It is her concern, her warmth, her keeping the child in her mind and in her heart at all times. And that kind of mothering, with all its faults and imperfections is the kind that brings up adults "shielded" by depression.

Parenting workshops- parents of twins

Recently I met Dr. Ella Rachamim, a paediatrician and mother of twins who is offering parenting workshops. Our views were similar in many ways, having both identified the need of preparation and prevention in parenthood.  We view parenthood from different angles, Dr. Rachamim's workshops are practical/informative whereas  Deconstructing Mummy groups focus on the mother's psychological well being and the bond with her child.  Whatever the angle, the point remains: Proaction is always better than reaction.

"BE READY TO PARENT" WORKSHOPS:

"Becoming a parent for the first time is a wonderful experience. It is a time of immense joy and fulfilment. But it can also be challenging, confusing and anxiety provoking. The key to getting the most out of this magical time is preparation. The more knowledgeable and the better prepared you are the easier it will be to meet these challenges and enjoy the experience of being a new parent.

Unfortunately there is a lot of conflicting advice about childbirth, breastfeeding etc. There is no one right way to have your delivery, feed and care for your baby. And remember that babies have minds of their own so sometimes even your best laid plans will need to change! In order to make the right choices for you and your baby it is vital to get honest, expert and impartial guidance.

Throughout my professional life as a paediatrician - and my personal life as a mother - I have seen many women, and men, struggling to take care of their new baby and struggling to find the right help they need.  Alternatively, if they had been given

• clear and honest information
• realistic expectations and
• the right kind of encouragement

new parents would be more prepared to meet any challenge they face and the first few weeks would be less of a struggle and more of a pleasure.  I believe all of this should be the function of antenatal education. 

http://www.bereadytoparent.com/  and ella@bereadytoparent.com

New Mums: Put your Oxygen Masks first!

"Put your oxygen masks first" - Mothers' well being as a determinant of babies' psychological health"

From the onset of pregnancy, mothers are bombarded with "how to"s regarding the care of their babies. What they are not educated about is their own psychological health and how this influences their sense of self, relationship with their babies and the shaping of their infants' psychological destiny.
Marianna Sidiropoulou, Counselling Psychologist, will give a free talk about all issues new mothers face psychologically during the first years of motherhood.
Bring along your questions and experiences!

Venue: Arts Depot, 2nd floor cafe, 5 Nether Street, North Finchley N12 0GA

Time: 11.00 am

DeConstructing Mummy groups soon to start!

The new cycle of the DeConstructing Mummy groups are starting this September!
The motherhood psychology groups are aimed at supporting you psychologically in your new role as a mother and helping you create your own motherhood way without fear but with a greater understanding of your self in relation to your child.

Typical outcomes/benefits through attending the groups are:

• Understanding of the difficulties inherent in motherhood
• Exploration of personal psychological history and how it affects you today
• Confidence in self as mother
• Building a healthier more balanced relationship with your child
• Understanding your effect on the child
• Breaking free from myths on motherhood
• Creating your own motherhood way
• Sharing and feeling supported
• Preventing post-natal depression

For more information on the structure and venues of the groups click here

Motherhood as it is "not supposed to be"

 I am currently on holiday, taking a break from thinking. There are times though that thinking just hits you in the face. Reading this article on single motherhood had the "get writing" effect this morning. Single motherhood is a big issue and is a reality of many mothers. Some are single mothers by choice, others by circumstances. Condemning single mothers as a "threat" to the mental health of their infants by studies (no frills-bottom line) is just plain laziness if not stupidity on society's part. Understanding cause and effect is another story. I won't take a specific stance on the issue here, as I am still thinking about the issue of single motherhood and have not reached a conclusion. It is very likely that I won't. Each case, each family is different. I do not agree on everything the above mentioned article supports. But I have to say that the writer very eloquently makes 2-3 very strong points that I can't help but mention.

Deconstructing Mummy was created precisely to alleviate the burden of the "myths" around motherhood and promote a more realistic hence richer view of what mothers are and what they experience. So when in the article I come across the sentence "If there is anything that currently oppresses the children, it is the idea of the way families are “supposed to be" I feel a kindred connection. 

Labels can hurt. Yes, I am all for "diagnosing", "categorizing", "quantifying". These are my studies, this is science. However, they can be used only as a base to start the journey of truly understanding and asking the questions.  Things don't happen according to plan. We don't feel, act, think as we "are supposed to". Anxiety, complexity, inventiveness, trial-and-error are our true daily "bread-and-butter" as mothers, families, human beings.

In the end as the article supports, "a well loved child is a well loved child". I would also add that an authentic mother who cares about herself and her child, actively trying to love and provide, whatever her personal circumstances or choices is what society needs.  Research is great, debating is essential. Understanding and supporting mothers in their own mothering way  is VITAL.

You + Me

You can see the world through the eyes of your child. Or you can see the world "selfishly" only through your eyes. Better see the worlds alternating, I say.
The relationship with our children is a deeply passionate one. And passion is by nature extreme. In a healthy mother-child relationship, love is rather a given. There, present all the time. But love is not the only feeling in this relationship. Don't kid yourself new, experienced or about-to-be mother. Love is the glue, and is needed badly in order to deal with the rest.
I believe motherhood is an experience that stretches the boundaries of who we are. So much so that at times we end up not really knowing who we are, or doubting who we were, puzzled as to who we are becoming. There are days when all a mother wants is to be left alone. Not to deal with demands, crying, diaper change, tantrums, "showing the world", entertaining, being patient, caring and thinking about another. There are many fantasies mothers devise in order to bear their children sometimes. Throwing them off the balcony, packing their suitcase and leaving everything behind, pinning them magically to the sofa or shutting their mouths with tape. And these are "mild ones", more "acceptable" lets say. The truth is that no matter how violent or crazy, or even funny these fantasies are, they provide relief. Relief from agonising everyday, changing from one viewpoint to another minute by minute. I see the world through my eyes, otherwise I will go crazy. I see the world through yours, otherwise you will go crazy. That sums up pretty well the loving battle between you and me. CHILD and mother. MOTHER and child. Two worlds in synch that can range from a feeling of belonging, an absolute unity to a feeling of camaraderie and sharing. Sometimes two worlds colliding where one ego has to win. You AND me becomes then you OR me. What is a mother to do then?
We all know that respect is vital in every kind of relationship. But along with respect, comes individuality, concern for the other, but also concern for the self. It is advised that the mother backs off. Not only because of the role, but because she has a more developed (mature) ego than the child. However there are times when the mother's self feels at peril and then if her own ego is not saved even momentarily, believe me there will be no egos at all around. That is why Winnicott talked about the "good enough" and not the "perfect mother".
We all have bad days. Mother and children. And we should allow ourselves and our children these days. Not doing so is just not being grounded in reality. And if we sometimes need to put ourselves first in order to survive the more immature parts of our personalities and return back to normal, apologising and making reparations, so be it. It is infinitely healthier than striving for perfection or resorting to bottled up anger and acting out later in the most hateful and vindictive ways, psychical absence towards the child being one of them. Just make sure this isn't your daily bread and butter. If it is, then seek help - you are only human.
It comes with the job that we are on "top of it", and being on top of it sometimes means being honest as to what our limits are. Where the ME stops the You begins. But for these two, to dance together whether tango, raving, Zorba-style or hip-hop, there has to be a You and there has to be a Me.

Wombs for Rent

The title is not mine, but thought it was brilliant. Apparently there is a growing industry in India of paid surrogate mothers and "baby factories" (again not my words). You can find the article here . The surrogate mother issue, along with IVF, frozen ovaries etc is a huge and complex one psychologically, ethically and legally and not one I will delve into in this short post I am attempting to write. What I found interesting in this article was not that the "customers" were gay couples - one can understand the reasons here (though I do have my opinion on this). The most interesting part was that surrogacy was preferred by some women in order to retain their figure and not go through pregnancy/childbirth. I have a deep respect for a woman's right to have or not to have children. But really? "Hiring" a womb so you don't get the extra pounds or the morning sickness? That is a recipe for motherhood disaster based on an extremely immature personality structure that can do more harm than good to the self and most importantly to the child.
What is disturbing me though in this article is the unregulated nature of these "rentals". No laws, no precautions, no suitability of the parties involved, no nothing. O.K the most cynical between us may argue that at least some money is flowing towards India from the west. But my concern here is... who are the mothers for rent? What happens to them afterwards? No one can guarantee that these women are not forced to have their bodies used this way. Are they "women" even? Or girls just getting their period? And what happens to the babies? Do they actually go to "loving western families" or are "used" for other purposes?
Forgive me for being "paranoid" but the google alerts I get everyday on motherhood show me a world where motherhood, women's bodies, babies and the trajectory that links all those together is not that "natural" any more. There is an increased perversion on how all these issues are approached and ,that, as a mother, a woman and a human being, worries me and disturbs me.