Put your Oxygen masks first.... Again

The free talk "Put your Oxygen Masks on first!" for new and expectant mothers is repeated.
Two new venues, times and dates with more to come. The talk will concentrate on the feelings and difficulties mothers face psychologically during the first years of their child's life. Bring along your mother- friends, questions and experiences.

Monday 8/10, 3pm @ Rokesly Children's Centre, Elmfield Avenue N8 8QG

Friday 12/10, 1.30pm @ Coppetts Wood Children's Centre, Coppetts Road, N10 1JS

email deconstructingmummy@gmail.com if you have any questions.

A Mother's Gaze

This is the day when I see most of my clients. What struck me today was a recurring theme: their mother's psychological gaze. It is said in our psychology circles that the mother's gaze (real and psychological - i.e how she experiences her child) is a crucial key to a child's personality organization and sense of self. One of the reasons I started the Deconstructing Mummy groups is prevention. Time and again I met my adult clients' "mother ghosts" "parading" in the consulting room. Descriptions of mothers who somehow failed their children.
 I asked myself: what if?
What if those mothers had help as they carried these children in their bellies?
As they soothed them, nursed them, watched them change and develop?
Today all I could hear in the sessions were children begging to be seen, loved, admired, encouraged to individuate.
"See who I am - not who you would like me to be"
"Listen to me and don't get lost in your hurt self-centeredness"
"Allow me to be my own  person, not a part of you"
"Touch me, caress me, smile at me"
"Try and contain your sorrow, anxiety, fear, your well-being is my sense of security"
"Stop fussing over money, your work, your image and really be here with me"
"Don't use me to feel worthy of your life or yourself"
That is what I  heard from my clients, once vulnerable children, now vulnerable and hurt adults .
And that is what I want you to consider.
As mothers we have a bond with our children. Is it unbreakable? A given? Natural and taking care of itself?
NO. A big fat NO.
It is hard work and it puts us to the test. We are asked to put our whole selves on the line. Be all, be the infant's universe. How can a mother not fail?
The truth is that she will fail.
She will fail to be the perfect, fantasied mother, both in her own fantasy and in her child's. She will never be able to satisfy every wish, desire, dream that her child might have.
She will frustrate.
But she can also love, and give, and be. The freer she is of her own childhood ghosts, the better she will cope with this new, budding relationship that is full of fresh potential.
She will then be able to hug, and be, and prioritize differently, and differentiate her self from her child, and keep her own fantasies in check, providing, listening, nurturing her real child by being her authentic self, for "better or for worse".
Motherhood involves stepping out of our own little worlds and taking a leap into the unkown, relating intensely to an unformed yet but very present, other individual. Yes, "motherhood is not for sissies" as I read in a funny postcard. Nor is it for the self-centred who stingily give. There is no perfection involved in the job description. So who is it for then?
Hey, actually I do have an answer. It is for everyone.
Everyone that cares to take a good honest look at themselves.

Breastfeeding shielding child from Depression?

I recently read this article/study, with the title: "Breastfeeding in infancy may shield adults from Depression". The title caught me and I found it very interesting. I am openly pro breastfeeding but also very sceptical about how breastfeeding is promoted or used.
As I've mentioned in another post, breastfeeding is a very hot topic in mothers' discussions, provoking extreme reactions. I have also said that breastfeeding is not only the natural act per se but can and usually is very symbolic about female sexuality, fecundity, power, ability to be. Mothers attach knowingly or unknowingly intense emotions to breastfeeding. Some feel like failures if they can't establish "it", others feel less womanly, others feel that breastfeeding is the main median to prove their worth, yet others relive through breastfeeding a union that they themselves missed as children. Of course there are always the mothers who breastfeed simply, just as nature intended, and mothers who for their reasons opt out of breastfeeding (and believe me there are many reasons and sometimes heartbreaking ones).
Now to get a study which basically says to mothers "breastfeed so you shield your child from depression" is a huge blow to all mothers... Why? Do mothers need more guilt? Do most mothers know how to read a study of this sort? Look at how many "subjects" were used in the study, the methodology, the interpretation of the results?
How can a study of this sort establish what the breastfeeding mother is thinking/feeling/doing when she is breastfeeding her child? How many mothers having themselves psychological difficulties breastfeed and at the same time feel numb (in that case what kind of "psychological milk" is the child getting)? And how many mothers don't breastfeed but give the bottle with warmth and care?
Yes, the research idea is interesting. No, the claim it makes in the title can't be established by this specific study. And to cut a long story short, it is not the breastfeeding that makes for a smooth, secure bond between a mother and her child. It is her concern, her warmth, her keeping the child in her mind and in her heart at all times. And that kind of mothering, with all its faults and imperfections is the kind that brings up adults "shielded" by depression.

Parenting workshops- parents of twins

Recently I met Dr. Ella Rachamim, a paediatrician and mother of twins who is offering parenting workshops. Our views were similar in many ways, having both identified the need of preparation and prevention in parenthood.  We view parenthood from different angles, Dr. Rachamim's workshops are practical/informative whereas  Deconstructing Mummy groups focus on the mother's psychological well being and the bond with her child.  Whatever the angle, the point remains: Proaction is always better than reaction.

"BE READY TO PARENT" WORKSHOPS:

"Becoming a parent for the first time is a wonderful experience. It is a time of immense joy and fulfilment. But it can also be challenging, confusing and anxiety provoking. The key to getting the most out of this magical time is preparation. The more knowledgeable and the better prepared you are the easier it will be to meet these challenges and enjoy the experience of being a new parent.

Unfortunately there is a lot of conflicting advice about childbirth, breastfeeding etc. There is no one right way to have your delivery, feed and care for your baby. And remember that babies have minds of their own so sometimes even your best laid plans will need to change! In order to make the right choices for you and your baby it is vital to get honest, expert and impartial guidance.

Throughout my professional life as a paediatrician - and my personal life as a mother - I have seen many women, and men, struggling to take care of their new baby and struggling to find the right help they need.  Alternatively, if they had been given

• clear and honest information
• realistic expectations and
• the right kind of encouragement

new parents would be more prepared to meet any challenge they face and the first few weeks would be less of a struggle and more of a pleasure.  I believe all of this should be the function of antenatal education. 

http://www.bereadytoparent.com/  and ella@bereadytoparent.com

New Mums: Put your Oxygen Masks first!

"Put your oxygen masks first" - Mothers' well being as a determinant of babies' psychological health"

From the onset of pregnancy, mothers are bombarded with "how to"s regarding the care of their babies. What they are not educated about is their own psychological health and how this influences their sense of self, relationship with their babies and the shaping of their infants' psychological destiny.
Marianna Sidiropoulou, Counselling Psychologist, will give a free talk about all issues new mothers face psychologically during the first years of motherhood.
Bring along your questions and experiences!

Venue: Arts Depot, 2nd floor cafe, 5 Nether Street, North Finchley N12 0GA

Time: 11.00 am

DeConstructing Mummy groups soon to start!

The new cycle of the DeConstructing Mummy groups are starting this September!
The motherhood psychology groups are aimed at supporting you psychologically in your new role as a mother and helping you create your own motherhood way without fear but with a greater understanding of your self in relation to your child.

Typical outcomes/benefits through attending the groups are:

• Understanding of the difficulties inherent in motherhood
• Exploration of personal psychological history and how it affects you today
• Confidence in self as mother
• Building a healthier more balanced relationship with your child
• Understanding your effect on the child
• Breaking free from myths on motherhood
• Creating your own motherhood way
• Sharing and feeling supported
• Preventing post-natal depression

For more information on the structure and venues of the groups click here

Motherhood as it is "not supposed to be"

 I am currently on holiday, taking a break from thinking. There are times though that thinking just hits you in the face. Reading this article on single motherhood had the "get writing" effect this morning. Single motherhood is a big issue and is a reality of many mothers. Some are single mothers by choice, others by circumstances. Condemning single mothers as a "threat" to the mental health of their infants by studies (no frills-bottom line) is just plain laziness if not stupidity on society's part. Understanding cause and effect is another story. I won't take a specific stance on the issue here, as I am still thinking about the issue of single motherhood and have not reached a conclusion. It is very likely that I won't. Each case, each family is different. I do not agree on everything the above mentioned article supports. But I have to say that the writer very eloquently makes 2-3 very strong points that I can't help but mention.

Deconstructing Mummy was created precisely to alleviate the burden of the "myths" around motherhood and promote a more realistic hence richer view of what mothers are and what they experience. So when in the article I come across the sentence "If there is anything that currently oppresses the children, it is the idea of the way families are “supposed to be" I feel a kindred connection. 

Labels can hurt. Yes, I am all for "diagnosing", "categorizing", "quantifying". These are my studies, this is science. However, they can be used only as a base to start the journey of truly understanding and asking the questions.  Things don't happen according to plan. We don't feel, act, think as we "are supposed to". Anxiety, complexity, inventiveness, trial-and-error are our true daily "bread-and-butter" as mothers, families, human beings.

In the end as the article supports, "a well loved child is a well loved child". I would also add that an authentic mother who cares about herself and her child, actively trying to love and provide, whatever her personal circumstances or choices is what society needs.  Research is great, debating is essential. Understanding and supporting mothers in their own mothering way  is VITAL.